Bi the Way．拜坊　—　看見臺灣雙性戀與泛性戀

＜Not "gay" enough?＞(不夠「同志」嗎？)    Buffalo 

(編註：翻譯見下)

As being one of the T's (of the LGBT) member inside the "gay" community, I would, from time to time, wonder how the other members regard me as, especially those so-called "orthodox" gays (and lesbians).  Do they try to be nice to me? Or, their true wish is to get rid of me, at least, make me out of their sight, so that the "gay" (as of the meaning of "gladness") group would not be contaminated by such an "unhealthy" (hopefully not inferior) creature (weren't gays still those of the DSM-III definition before 1973?) like me?

Not my intention to pick up a fight, but maybe initiate a dialogue, if I could, in the circle which in the first place I thought was to be united, instead of being separated, or even segregated.  Frankly, I envy all the "orthodox"s, I envy they don't have to go through what we T's, or most T's have to. The most unbearable part, I guess, is being stuck in the middle -- almost all people (let them be heterosexuals or homos) blame us for not trying to be out, but in fact that's exactly the place they want us to be.

When being born as a baby boy, it was also a shock to me when I found out it's a girl in my soul, and only Heaven knows how difficult it was and is for me to have to struggle to deal with this fact.  If I were to live out my soul, wouldn't me being accused of being a lie (to myself and those who claim them love me) because my body should be the only holy truth?  However, if I go on living just according to what the Taiwanese society demands me, by the sex organ of my mortal flesh, am I being honest to the Creator (who should be able to know the deepest secret inside of me)?  The true fact is, I suspect, in either case, my life would be seen as a fake.  So, what am I supposed to do, to avoid being untrue, or better, to stay true all the time?

But, as told Taiwan is not the whole and the only world, many seniors similar or same as me had lived their lives splendidly.  Drag queens, they are. Never had I imagined I could be so...being such true me whenever I was in all those outfits.  Yeah, the clothing of the opposite sex.  Quite some time passed when one day it occurred to me that this is not the PERFECT me I should OR I could be, which I was not so sure.  I mean, you know, my sex organ.  Right, I can put some stuff in the brassiere I wear, but I could never be a real female when that, you know, still exists in my body.

These frustrations, I believe, none of the "orthodox"s gays have to face, not to mention all the unfriendly looks and questioning eyes I (have to) encounter when I only want to go out and walk on the streets, most of which is from the normals (in other words, heterosexuals).  And so I head back to the gay circle to search for some warmth but no acceptance (or not the kind of acceptance I hope for) I find there. "We're not psychos (remember it's long past 1975?), we're all the same as everyone else, except that we love those who are of the same sex as ourselves," they declare.  And they say and ask me to fix my own mental status and not to mix that problem with their status of same-sex love (in the name of love, almost next to moral).

In fact, when sitting in a chair for years, anyone, I guess, would be used to its height and width and etc.  I mean, for me, I don't care if I'm in the middle or in the front or in the back any more.  After all, life itself isn't perfect, is it?  What bothers me still is, when along the way, why is that we T's couldn't be granted the similar, if not the same right as G's, L's etc., to be "diagnosed as function well" with the equal opportunity to stand in the sight of the employee hunters, and hopefully be inside the labor force?  Or, maybe, not "function that well", but to gain sense of achievement, at least, from falling?

So, have you noticed also "being stuck in the middle" is where (almost) everyone wants us T's to be?  The God, or priests, in the churches or Christianity, the Goddess in the temples of Buddhism etc., the two who gave birth to us and the four who gave birth to them and the eight...etc., and the blood relatives we have, the classmates and friends we build friendship with, and those comrades we think we're most close to because we belong to the queer family.  Maybe, we T's, should not blame the above, but the Taiwanese society, or the Chinese tradition, or even Confuciusism.

If you've got the sense, you've probably felt a bit what we T's had to been through.  In a way, you could say that all these are from my or our position.  (So, that's my or our own problems.)

Now, what I wear going outside is the same as I'm at home.  Yes, I dress like a lady.  It's almost totally okay in this capital.  (Yes, I still survive.)  Only that I'd like to try to be more "perfect" at least in the out look.  If anyone has the guts to come up and ask me if I'd like to become a TS, I guess, if he or she is with the sense, my answer would be positive without hesitation.  Still, no one knows if such a day would come.

But, as for the current moment, and in the near future, the question I hope I could pose to you, who are in this family, too, is, what do you see out of me (/us)?  If I am, or we are, lucky enough, maybe I, or we would get the answer from the seemingly most liberated comrades nowadays in our community, the bisexuals.  What would you call me (/us)?  With these silicone pads in my upper body, and the given sex organ in my lower body, if you, Bi would have feelings for me (/us), would you include me (/us), a TG or a TS (or T's) in your group?  Would you also call me (/us) a Bi?  That is, to be more specifically, what on earth constitutes the selves we are?  Is it myself (/ourselves) as the way I am (/we are), and so I (/we) would be regarded and treated as a T (/T's)?  Just like, if my dad was the president of some country, then I would be regarded and treated as a prince or princess?

To put this in other words, if a guy is after me, then I'm a heterosexual, or a gay?  If a girl, then I'm a heterosexual, or a lesbian? If a bisexual, would that make me a Bi(,too)?

P.S. If you happen to know some person who lives a perfect life, plesae do introduce me to him, will you please?  Maybe, Jesus Christ?  Or, no, Jehovah?

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＜ 不夠「同志」嗎？＞　Buffalo　

身為「同志」社群中的一名跨性別者（注一），我常想其他同伴會如何看待我們，尤其是所謂的「正統派」男同性戀（以及女同性戀）。他們有試著來善待我們嗎？或者，他們其實是想甩掉我們，或是至少把我們趕出視線，那麼這些「快樂的」同性戀們（注二）就不會被像我這樣「不健康的」（希望並非是低等的）生物們所汙染？（那些同性戀直到1973年不是依然被定義為DSM-III？)（注三）

我並不是想挑起戰端，如果可以，我想要開啟對話，就在這個圈子裡──我一開始以為這個圈子應該要團結而不是分裂，甚至互相隔離。坦白說，我嫉妒所有的「正統派」，我嫉妒他們無須經歷我們，或者說是大多數的跨性別者們不可逃避的歷程。我想最難以忍受的，就是被困在中間──幾乎所有的人（無論是異性戀或同性戀）都怪罪我們不試著去出櫃，但事實上正是他們想要我們待在原處。

生為小男孩的我，在發現靈魂內有個女孩時也很驚訝，只有老天知道我一直以來是如何掙扎著在面對這件事。倘若我想隨著靈魂而活，難道我不會被指責為謊言嗎（被我自己以及那些聲稱愛我之人)，因為我的身體應該是唯一神聖的事實？然而，如果我按台灣社會對我的要求去活，也就是按照著我肉身的性器官去活，那麼我對造物主是否誠實呢（祂應該能知道我最深的秘密）？事實上，我想無論處於哪種情況，我的生命都會被當成假的。所以我到底該如何做，才能避免不真實，或者更好，也就是一直真實地活下去？

然而，台灣並非是全部而唯一的世界，而且有很多和我相似或相同的前輩們，都過著精彩的生活。他們是，扮裝皇后。我從未想過我可以這麼做…穿著這些衣服，無論何時都能夠呈現真實自我。是的，穿著另一個性別的衣服。許久之前我突然想到，這個我所不確定的自我，並非是我應該或可以成為的完美自我。我是說，你曉得這關乎我的性器官。沒錯，我可以塞一些東西在我的胸罩內，但我永遠無法變成真的女人──你知道，因為那個東西還長在我身上。

我相信沒有一個「正統的」同性戀須要面對這些挫折。更不用說當我只是出門散步時，我（必須）面對那些不友善的臉色和質疑的眼神，而這些路人大多是正常人（也就是異性戀）。於是我回到同志圈來尋找一點溫暖，但我沒有找到歸屬感（或者說，那並非我想要的歸屬感)。「我們並非瘋子（記得嗎，1975年已經是很久以前了？)，除了我們只愛同性別的人，我們和其他任何人都一樣」，他們如此宣稱著。然而他們要求我去改變我的身體，而且別把這種問題和他們同性戀的情況混而為一（他們以愛之名，幾乎是以道德之名來要求)。
事實上，我猜想當任何人長年都坐在一張椅子時，他將會習慣於椅子的高度寬度等等。我是指，對我而言，我不再在乎我是否處於中間或前面或後面。畢竟，生命本身並非完美，不是嗎？困擾我的仍然是，在這條路上，為何我們跨性別者不能擁有和女男同性戀等人相似的（如果不能是相同的）權利，被診斷為「功能良好」？而且當人力資源尤其勞工局在徵募時，也能擁有同等的機會？或者，也許我們並非「功能那麼良好」，但至少在應徵失利時，還是可以有些成就感吧？

那麼，你注意到（幾乎）所有的人也都想讓跨性別“困在中間”嗎？在教堂或主教的神或神父，以及在佛寺中的女神等；生下我們的那兩人，和生下他們的那四人，和生下那四人的…等；以及，我們的血脈親人，我們的身邊的朋友和同學，還有我們以為最親近的戰友們──因為我們屬於同一個酷兒同志家族。也許我們跨性別者不該怪這些人，而該怪台灣社會，或是中國的傳統，甚至是儒家思想。

如果你有同理心，你應該能稍微感受到我們跨性別所必須經歷的。某方面而言，你可以說這些都是我或我們自己的情況。(所以，這是我或我們自己的問題)

現在，我出門時的穿著和我在家時是一樣的。是的，我穿得像個淑女。在這個都市，這幾乎是沒有問題的。(是的，我還倖存著。)我只是希望至少能讓我的外表是”完美的”。如果有人能鼓起勇氣來問我是否想轉換性別，如果她／他知道這是怎麼回事，我想，我一定會毫不遲疑的承認。不過，沒人知道這一天是否會來臨。

可是，在此刻以及不久的將來，我希望請教同樣是酷兒家族的你們，究竟如何看待我／們呢？如果我／們夠幸運，也許我／們能從目前看來最開明自由的同伴那得到答案，也就是雙性戀同伴們。你們會如何稱呼我／們呢？上半身裝著矽膠墊，下半身有著天生的性器官──你們雙性戀如果喜歡上這樣的我／們，是否會把跨性別者或變性者(或更廣義的跨性別族群)納入你們的族群？你們也會稱我／們為雙性戀嗎？更確切的說，究竟是什麼構成了我們自身？是不是只要我／們做自己，那麼我／們就會被視為跨性別者？就像是，假如我我父親是某國總統，那麼我就會被視為王子或公主？

換句話說，如果有個男生在追我，那麼我是異性戀，或是男同性戀？若是女生追求我，那麼我是個異性戀，或女同性戀？如果是雙性戀在追我，那麼，我就(也)是雙性戀了嗎？

備註：如果你剛好知道有人過著完美的人生，請你一定要把我介紹給他，可以嗎？也許那會是耶穌？不，或許是耶和華？


注一：「LGBT/同志」一詞，包含女同性戀、男同性戀、雙性戀、跨性別(TG/transgender)
注二：英文的「gay/同志」義同「快樂」
注三：《精神疾病診斷與統計手冊》（The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders，簡稱DSM）由美國精神醫學學會會出版。1973年第三版才將同性戀從精神疾病刪除。

～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～

作者：Buffalo
翻譯和註釋：Bi the Way夜西 (未能聯絡上作者，翻譯僅供參考)
性向認同：T　 

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