＜Not "gay" enough?＞(不夠「同志」嗎？) Buffalo
As being one of the T's (of the LGBT) member inside the "gay" community, I would, from time to time, wonder how the other members regard me as, especially those so-called "orthodox" gays (and lesbians). Do they try to be nice to me? Or, their true wish is to get rid of me, at least, make me out of their sight, so that the "gay" (as of the meaning of "gladness") group would not be contaminated by such an "unhealthy" (hopefully not inferior) creature (weren't gays still those of the DSM-III definition before 1973?) like me?
Not my intention to pick up a fight, but maybe initiate a dialogue, if I could, in the circle which in the first place I thought was to be united, instead of being separated, or even segregated. Frankly, I envy all the "orthodox"s, I envy they don't have to go through what we T's, or most T's have to. The most unbearable part, I guess, is being stuck in the middle -- almost all people (let them be heterosexuals or homos) blame us for not trying to be out, but in fact that's exactly the place they want us to be.
When being born as a baby boy, it was also a shock to me when I found out it's a girl in my soul, and only Heaven knows how difficult it was and is for me to have to struggle to deal with this fact. If I were to live out my soul, wouldn't me being accused of being a lie (to myself and those who claim them love me) because my body should be the only holy truth? However, if I go on living just according to what the Taiwanese society demands me, by the sex organ of my mortal flesh, am I being honest to the Creator (who should be able to know the deepest secret inside of me)? The true fact is, I suspect, in either case, my life would be seen as a fake. So, what am I supposed to do, to avoid being untrue, or better, to stay true all the time?
But, as told Taiwan is not the whole and the only world, many seniors similar or same as me had lived their lives splendidly. Drag queens, they are. Never had I imagined I could be so...being such true me whenever I was in all those outfits. Yeah, the clothing of the opposite sex. Quite some time passed when one day it occurred to me that this is not the PERFECT me I should OR I could be, which I was not so sure. I mean, you know, my sex organ. Right, I can put some stuff in the brassiere I wear, but I could never be a real female when that, you know, still exists in my body.
These frustrations, I believe, none of the "orthodox"s gays have to face, not to mention all the unfriendly looks and questioning eyes I (have to) encounter when I only want to go out and walk on the streets, most of which is from the normals (in other words, heterosexuals). And so I head back to the gay circle to search for some warmth but no acceptance (or not the kind of acceptance I hope for) I find there. "We're not psychos (remember it's long past 1975?), we're all the same as everyone else, except that we love those who are of the same sex as ourselves," they declare. And they say and ask me to fix my own mental status and not to mix that problem with their status of same-sex love (in the name of love, almost next to moral).
In fact, when sitting in a chair for years, anyone, I guess, would be used to its height and width and etc. I mean, for me, I don't care if I'm in the middle or in the front or in the back any more. After all, life itself isn't perfect, is it? What bothers me still is, when along the way, why is that we T's couldn't be granted the similar, if not the same right as G's, L's etc., to be "diagnosed as function well" with the equal opportunity to stand in the sight of the employee hunters, and hopefully be inside the labor force? Or, maybe, not "function that well", but to gain sense of achievement, at least, from falling?
So, have you noticed also "being stuck in the middle" is where (almost) everyone wants us T's to be? The God, or priests, in the churches or Christianity, the Goddess in the temples of Buddhism etc., the two who gave birth to us and the four who gave birth to them and the eight...etc., and the blood relatives we have, the classmates and friends we build friendship with, and those comrades we think we're most close to because we belong to the queer family. Maybe, we T's, should not blame the above, but the Taiwanese society, or the Chinese tradition, or even Confuciusism.
If you've got the sense, you've probably felt a bit what we T's had to been through. In a way, you could say that all these are from my or our position. (So, that's my or our own problems.)
Now, what I wear going outside is the same as I'm at home. Yes, I dress like a lady. It's almost totally okay in this capital. (Yes, I still survive.) Only that I'd like to try to be more "perfect" at least in the out look. If anyone has the guts to come up and ask me if I'd like to become a TS, I guess, if he or she is with the sense, my answer would be positive without hesitation. Still, no one knows if such a day would come.
But, as for the current moment, and in the near future, the question I hope I could pose to you, who are in this family, too, is, what do you see out of me (/us)? If I am, or we are, lucky enough, maybe I, or we would get the answer from the seemingly most liberated comrades nowadays in our community, the bisexuals. What would you call me (/us)? With these silicone pads in my upper body, and the given sex organ in my lower body, if you, Bi would have feelings for me (/us), would you include me (/us), a TG or a TS (or T's) in your group? Would you also call me (/us) a Bi? That is, to be more specifically, what on earth constitutes the selves we are? Is it myself (/ourselves) as the way I am (/we are), and so I (/we) would be regarded and treated as a T (/T's)? Just like, if my dad was the president of some country, then I would be regarded and treated as a prince or princess?
To put this in other words, if a guy is after me, then I'm a heterosexual, or a gay? If a girl, then I'm a heterosexual, or a lesbian? If a bisexual, would that make me a Bi(,too)?
P.S. If you happen to know some person who lives a perfect life, plesae do introduce me to him, will you please? Maybe, Jesus Christ? Or, no, Jehovah?
＜ 不夠「同志」嗎？＞ Buffalo
注三：《精神疾病診斷與統計手冊》（The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders，簡稱DSM）由美國精神醫學學會會出版。1973年第三版才將同性戀從精神疾病刪除。
翻譯和註釋：Bi the Way夜西 (未能聯絡上作者，翻譯僅供參考)
*授權Bi the Way．拜坊轉授權他人使用該作品
*申請轉載請寄到Bi the Way社團信箱，並保留原作刪文權利: email@example.com